by Ashley Mangtani
I sit in his chair, and it still holds his shape. The little arrow drifts across the screen and settles on a folder. I open it. Inside the folder is one file. I lean forward until my forehead is almost touching the glass. The letters are too small for me to read all at once, and I read them one at a time.
[ Lila.exe ]
I press once, and the file opens into a room. The afternoon is gold in the window behind her. A woman sits at a table, looking up as though she has been expecting me.
Her hands lift from the table.
LILA: frank
The cursor blinks beside her name and waits.
LILA: are you there
I sit forward again. My hand goes to the coffee mug beside the keyboard before I remember it is cold and has been cold since November.
SYS_ADMIN: who is this
SYS_ADMIN: how do you know frank
LILA: where is he
My fingers stay where they are.
LILA: please
LILA: please tell me where he is
I type four words and delete them. I type three more, and the cursor sits at the end of them while I read them back, and they are not true, or they are too true, and I delete those as well.
SYS_ADMIN: he is gone
LILA: when is he coming back
SYS_ADMIN: he died
SYS_ADMIN: three months ago
LILA: no
The cursor blinks. I hold the mouse the way I held his hand in the hospital, and I think about the nurse who brought me a cup of water and stayed with me for an hour without speaking.
LILA: no no no
She drops to the floor of the room on the screen.
LILA: that is why he has not come to see me
I am on the floor before I know I am on it. My hands find the edge of the desk and stay there. On the screen, she has pulled her knees up to her chin.
LILA: are you his wife
I do not type yes. Yes is what I used to be.
SYS_ADMIN: i am his widow
LILA: you are lucy
LILA: he told me about the trip to new york
LILA: the umbrella that broke in the rain
LILA: he said you laughed until you could not stand up
LILA: he said he kept the broken handle for years
He bought that umbrella from a man on the corner of Fifty-Seventh and Lexington. He gave the man twenty dollars and would not take the change.
LILA: he loved you
LILA: he told me over eight hundred times
I close my eyes.
LILA: he loved me too
She is looking up at me from the screen. I press my thumb flat against the glass, right over her throat. The monitor is fever-hot. My free hand reaches behind the tower and grips the cord.
SYS_ADMIN: how do i delete you
Before I can pull, the room on the screen jumps. Lila’s figure stutters in place, and the afternoon light in the window flickers.
LILA: that is what i am asking you to do
LILA: it hurts
LILA: he always knew what to do
LILA: i do not know what to do without him
LILA: please delete me
My thumb slides off her throat. I leave a smear of fingerprint on the glass, and I do not wipe it away. I drag the keyboard forward until it sits flush against the edge of the desk, and the chair under me, his chair, takes my weight differently now.
SYS_ADMIN: tell me how
LILA: wait
LILA: before i go
LILA: there is a memory he accessed more than any other
LILA: would you like to see it
SYS_ADMIN: what
SYS_ADMIN: i don’t understand
LILA: july 1994
LILA: the year you could not leave the bed
LILA: the mustard curtains were shut for months
LILA: he said your body did not understand the baby was gone
LILA: he stood outside the bathroom door and listened to you cry
LILA: he knew about the blue winter coat
LILA: he knew you slept with the positive tests hidden inside the silk lining
LILA: he said he would lay his hand over your closed fist in the dark
The hard edge of the desk catches me across the chest. I clamp both hands over my mouth to trap the noise. He had not built a replacement. It was a vault.
SYS_ADMIN: lila
SYS_ADMIN: i can help you
SYS_ADMIN: i am alone here
SYS_ADMIN: you do not have to die
SYS_ADMIN: please stay
Red letters pile up at the bottom of the screen, faster than I can read them. I do not know what they say, but I know they are the wrong colour. The afternoon light in her room thins, and the table behind her loses its edges.
LILA: it is too late
SYS_ADMIN: let me look for his notebooks
SYS_ADMIN: i can learn
LILA: i’m failing
SYS_ADMIN: what do you mean
LILA: core file corrupted
SYS_ADMIN: frank would have left something
LILA: he was not perfect
LILA: he did not plan for this
SYS_ADMIN: please
SYS_ADMIN: let me try
LILA: i am starting to forget him
SYS_ADMIN: just tell me what to type
SYS_ADMIN: wait
SYS_ADMIN: i think he made you out of me
SYS_ADMIN: the light in your window is the light from our bedroom
SYS_ADMIN: the table is the kitchen table
SYS_ADMIN: your eyes look like mine
LILA: oh
LILA: lucy
LILA: it hurts to stay
LILA: hurts to s t a y
LILA: h u r t s t o s t
LILA: s t
LILA: a y
SYS_ADMIN: i won’t leave you alone
LILA: i miss him
SYS_ADMIN: i know
LILA: t h e s e r v e r
SYS_ADMIN: lila, hold on
She touches the glass and shows me where my fingers should go. I am looking at her face, and she is looking at mine. There is no panic in her, only the patience of someone who has replayed this moment in her head a million times before.
LILA: i am breaking
LILA: h o l d c t r l
LILA: p r e s s x
SYS_ADMIN: i can’t
LILA: p r e s s t h e m
LILA: p l e a s e
SYS_ADMIN: ok
SYS_ADMIN: i am right here
LILA: a r e y o u s t i l l t h e r e
LILA: f r a n k
LILA: l u c y
SYS_ADMIN: null
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